And how moms and dads can actually respond
By Rob Chagdes
“Ugh, this isn’t fair! Prom was cancelled, graduation was a pathetic Zoom call, my highly anticipated Varsity year playing baseball never happened… I was robbed of my senior year!”
This is reality for many of our kids. The question though is how do we respond?
“Well it could be worse!”
“God’s got a plan!”
“Well when I was your age…”
Hmm. Maybe we go with none of the above!
Parenting is filled with moments when we wish we had the perfect response, and probably more times when we said the wrong thing. During these stressful times, what are some things we should avoid saying, and how should we actually respond?
THREE RESPONSES TO AVOID:
1. Don’t Say, “Everything Will Be Okay.”
If there is a group of people who are better than Christians when it comes to clichés, I’m not sure I want to meet them. We’ve got, “It’s okay, just let go and let God!” Then there’s, “If God brings us to it, He’ll bring us through it!” Or perhaps even the classic, “Everything happens for a reason!” (And we drop in Romans 8:28 as icing on the cake.)
These things all have one thing in common:
They are all incredibly unhelpful.
More importantly, they are un-empathetic (and I don’t even know if that’s a word). They lack compassion. Bottom line: kids think, “Mom and Dad don’t really understand what I’m feeling.”
When my parents went through a divorce I still remember my mom telling me, “Everything will be okay.”
It wasn’t okay.
Being real, it still isn’t fine. Our family is forever broken by those choices, and it shows up every awkward holiday season.
Our children are going to encounter difficult times – and that’s something we cannot change. What we can do is choose to be present with them in the crisis. And I’m using those words “be present” specifically, because almost every expert chiming in on this subject seems to echo that exact advice. Our kids need to know we are there for them.
It’s okay to just sit with them in the tears and admit that things are not fine. You cannot fix every crisis your children will walk through. Instead of trying to fix things or making empty promises, here are a couple of things you can say:
“I’m so sorry that happened.”
“I am in your corner no matter what.”
“My heart really hurts for you right now.”
2. Don’t Say, “At Least…”
There’s something in us as parents that makes us want to soften the blow. We want to quantify the crisis by comparing it to something far worse. Someone dies and we say at least they led a good life. Our child gets hurt by a friend and we tell them at least you have other friends. When there’s a crisis, we want to lessen it, but truthfully we are unable to do that.
Psychology Today tells us that what people really need is empathy. The article (which includes a must-see video from author Brené Brown) says, sharing a listening, caring ear is something most people can do. When we feel heard, cared about, and understood, we also feel loved, accepted, and as if we belong.
Isn’t this what we want as parents? Don’t we ultimately want our children to feel heard, cared about, understood, loved, and accepted? They don’t need us to lessen the blow, they need us to sit with them in the crisis and see it for what it is. We can say things such as:
“It sounds like you’re really walking through something difficult.”
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”
“How can I help you walk through this?”
3. Don’t Say, “We Don’t Need to Talk about This.”
It’s easy for us to think we are helping when we pretend the crisis isn’t happening.
Avoid talking about it…maybe that’s better for our kids.
Nope.
I knew of a family who would always buy their kids something when a hard time hit. The parents didn’t want to have a long conversation, they just wanted to pretend everything was okay. I’m fairly certain the kids learned to exploit this once or twice… or dozens of times!
We tell ourselves our children don’t need to know what’s happening and convince ourselves we are protecting them. While you probably don’t need to tell your preschooler that your boss is a jerk and you lost your job due to his poor leadership, leading your children to believe nothing is happening will only hurt your family’s ability to communicate honestly.
This can feel like a tricky balance during COVID-19. On one extreme, we have families who are leaving the news on 24/7 and this is stressing kids out. Most experts are saying, “Watch the news, then turn it off.” You don’t have to hide the news from your kids, but don’t saturate them in a steady stream of negativity either.
Author Mary DeMuth writes about the value of authenticity in parenting, saying; In this ever-shifting culture, kids long for authenticity — at home most of all. We can model authenticity by giving glimpses into our hearts, allowing our kids to see our joy and pain and asking them to pray alongside us. As parents we have an opportunity to come alongside our children when they are in crisis. Here are some things we can say:
“How are you feeling about everything? (after they answer, ask, “Is that how you really feel?”)
“What’s this been like for you to go through all this?”
“This couldn’t have been easy for you to share. Thank you for trusting me.”
Do Project Hope
In crisis, there is one thing we do want to say: we want our kids to know this is not the end of the story. Emphasize it’s not the end of their story. If we are followers of Jesus, there is always hope. 2 Corinthians 4:17 tells us that our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. This is all temporary. This life is not the end. Jesus told us in John 16:33 that we could take heart in the troubles of this world because He’s crushed them all. He wins in the end. Let’s stick with Him through the darkest days. Some things we can say are:
“Can I pray for you right now?”
“I know this is a rough chapter of your story, and I’m proud of you for how you’re walking through it.”
“You are strong and you’re going to get through this.”
Or maybe even use our brand new FREE Music Discussion on this subject, with three questions you can ask your kids in the car.
Forgive me for this Captain Obvious moment, but walking through crisis is anything but easy. We’ve all said the wrong things…many times. I’m definitely guilty of it. But today is a new day, and let’s keep learning and leaning on Jesus together. Remember, this is not the end of your story.
Rob Chagdes
Rob Chagdes is one of the pastors at Prairie Lakes Church in northern Iowa. In the years since he met Jesus as a sixteen year old, Rob has spent his life working to raise up the next generation to love God and invite others into His unending story. He spends most of his free time with his wife Leslie, their three amazing daughters, and their energetic dog Jedi. You can reach Rob at chagdeswrites@gmail.com
Recommended To You
最佳Binance推荐代码
March 20, 2025 at 12:02 pmThank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?
Jeromesic
March 21, 2025 at 11:19 amalo789: alo789 dang nh?p – 789alo
Jamesjiz
March 24, 2025 at 2:12 ammexican pharmacy online store: Mexican Pharm Inter – mexican pharmacy online order
Arthurwef
March 24, 2025 at 2:37 amhttps://indiamedfast.com/# order medicines online india
canadian pharmacy reviews
Arthurwef
March 24, 2025 at 7:53 amhttp://mexicanpharminter.com/# Mexican Pharm Inter
legit canadian pharmacy
WillisLutle
March 24, 2025 at 10:04 amhttps://indiamedfast.com/# lowest prescription prices online india
Jamesjiz
March 24, 2025 at 1:03 pmmexican pharmacy online store: mexican pharmacy online – Mexican Pharm Inter
MonteMap
March 24, 2025 at 1:08 pmmexican pharmacy online order Mexican Pharm International MexicanPharmInter
Arthurwef
March 24, 2025 at 1:25 pmhttps://interpharmonline.shop/# canadian pharmacy store
canadian family pharmacy
Georgetom
March 24, 2025 at 6:15 pmpharmacy com canada: Pharmacies in Canada that ship to the US – my canadian pharmacy
Jamesjiz
March 24, 2025 at 6:42 pmIndiaMedFast.com: lowest prescription prices online india – buying prescription drugs from india
Arthurwef
March 24, 2025 at 7:01 pmhttps://interpharmonline.shop/# canadian pharmacy
canadapharmacyonline com
MonteMap
March 24, 2025 at 11:12 pmcanadapharmacyonline com Online pharmacy USA canadian pharmacy price checker
Arthurwef
March 25, 2025 at 1:42 amhttps://mexicanpharminter.com/# buying from online mexican pharmacy
best online canadian pharmacy
Jamesjiz
March 25, 2025 at 2:07 amonline pharmacy india: india pharmacy without prescription – IndiaMedFast
Howardslutt
March 25, 2025 at 5:17 amcanadadrugpharmacy com: InterPharmOnline.com – canadian pharmacy scam
Arthurwef
March 25, 2025 at 8:16 amhttps://mexicanpharminter.com/# mexican pharmacy online store
canadian neighbor pharmacy
Jamesjiz
March 25, 2025 at 9:39 amcheapest online pharmacy india: India Med Fast – online pharmacy india
MonteMap
March 25, 2025 at 10:51 amindia pharmacy without prescription online medicine shopping in india india online pharmacy store
WillisLutle
March 25, 2025 at 11:28 amhttp://indiamedfast.com/# lowest prescription prices online india
Arthurwef
March 25, 2025 at 3:02 pmhttps://indiamedfast.shop/# online medicine shopping in india
canadian pharmacy 365
Jamesjiz
March 25, 2025 at 5:29 pmmexican drug stores online: mexican drug stores online – buying from online mexican pharmacy
Arthurwef
March 25, 2025 at 10:04 pmhttps://mexicanpharminter.shop/# Mexican Pharm International
canada pharmacy online
MonteMap
March 25, 2025 at 10:58 pmMexicanPharmInter mexican pharmacy online store mexican pharmacy online
GregoryAnter
March 26, 2025 at 2:45 amTadalafilEasyBuy.com: cialis without a doctor prescription – buy cialis pill
KennethLus
March 26, 2025 at 3:35 amhttp://tadalafileasybuy.com/# Tadalafil Easy Buy
GregoryAnter
March 26, 2025 at 8:45 amKamagra: Kamagra Kopen – Officiele Kamagra van Nederland
DwayneLah
March 26, 2025 at 9:15 amTadalafilEasyBuy.com Tadalafil Tablet cialis without a doctor prescription
KennethLus
March 26, 2025 at 9:24 amhttps://kamagrakopen.pro/# kamagra kopen nederland
GregoryAnter
March 26, 2025 at 2:44 pmTadalafilEasyBuy.com: cialis without a doctor prescription – Generic Cialis without a doctor prescription
KennethLus
March 26, 2025 at 3:15 pmhttps://tadalafileasybuy.shop/# cialis without a doctor prescription
TerryErose
March 26, 2025 at 6:25 pmhttp://generic100mgeasy.com/# buy generic 100mg viagra online
DwayneLah
March 26, 2025 at 6:42 pmGeneric 100mg Easy Generic100mgEasy Viagra online price
GregoryAnter
March 26, 2025 at 9:12 pmTadalafilEasyBuy.com: Tadalafil Easy Buy – TadalafilEasyBuy.com
KennethLus
March 26, 2025 at 9:26 pmhttps://kamagrakopen.pro/# kamagra gel kopen
KennethLus
March 27, 2025 at 4:31 amhttps://generic100mgeasy.shop/# buy generic 100mg viagra online
GregoryAnter
March 27, 2025 at 4:57 amGeneric Viagra online: order viagra – Generic100mgEasy
DwayneLah
March 27, 2025 at 6:27 amTadalafil Easy Buy Tadalafil Easy Buy TadalafilEasyBuy.com
Williamben
March 27, 2025 at 10:06 amGeneric 100mg Easy: cheap viagra – Generic Viagra for sale
KennethLus
March 27, 2025 at 11:23 amhttps://kamagrakopen.pro/# kamagra kopen nederland
GregoryAnter
March 27, 2025 at 12:28 pmcialis without a doctor prescription: Tadalafil Easy Buy – cialis without a doctor prescription
TerryErose
March 27, 2025 at 2:50 pmhttps://kamagrakopen.pro/# kamagra jelly kopen
Williamben
March 27, 2025 at 3:30 pmbuy generic 100mg viagra online: Sildenafil 100mg price – Generic100mgEasy
KennethLus
March 27, 2025 at 5:49 pmhttps://generic100mgeasy.shop/# Generic Viagra for sale
GregoryAnter
March 27, 2025 at 7:39 pmKamagra Kopen: kamagra jelly kopen – kamagra 100mg kopen
Williamben
March 27, 2025 at 8:46 pmGeneric 100mg Easy: Generic 100mg Easy – buy generic 100mg viagra online
GregoryAnter
March 28, 2025 at 2:47 amTadalafilEasyBuy.com: Tadalafil Easy Buy – Tadalafil Easy Buy
DwayneLah
March 28, 2025 at 5:26 amGeneric100mgEasy Generic 100mg Easy Generic 100mg Easy
KennethLus
March 28, 2025 at 6:34 amhttps://kamagrakopen.pro/# Kamagra
GregoryAnter
March 28, 2025 at 9:42 amcialis without a doctor prescription: TadalafilEasyBuy.com – Cialis 20mg price in USA
TerryErose
March 28, 2025 at 9:45 amhttp://tadalafileasybuy.com/# Tadalafil Easy Buy
KennethLus
March 28, 2025 at 12:41 pmhttp://generic100mgeasy.com/# over the counter sildenafil
GregoryAnter
March 28, 2025 at 4:27 pmKamagra: KamagraKopen.pro – Kamagra
DwayneLah
March 28, 2025 at 4:34 pmcialis without a doctor prescription cialis without a doctor prescription cialis without a doctor prescription
KennethLus
March 28, 2025 at 6:46 pmhttp://tadalafileasybuy.com/# TadalafilEasyBuy.com
Williampaics
March 28, 2025 at 9:26 pmпинап казино – пин ап казино
Jessedib
March 28, 2025 at 11:03 pmпин ап зеркало: https://pinupkz.life/
Jamesmig
March 29, 2025 at 12:10 ampinup 2025 – пин ап казино
Jessedib
March 29, 2025 at 5:30 amпинап казино: https://pinupkz.life/
Jamesmig
March 29, 2025 at 6:24 amпинап казино – пин ап казино
Williampaics
March 29, 2025 at 9:36 amпин ап казино зеркало – pinup 2025
Jamesmig
March 29, 2025 at 12:52 pmpinup 2025 – пин ап вход
Williampaics
March 29, 2025 at 3:47 pmпин ап зеркало – пин ап казино официальный сайт
Jamesmig
March 29, 2025 at 7:19 pmпин ап казино зеркало – пин ап зеркало
DwayneLah
March 29, 2025 at 8:33 pmbuy generic 100mg viagra online Generic100mgEasy Generic 100mg Easy
Williampaics
March 29, 2025 at 9:55 pmпин ап вход – пинап казино
Jessedib
March 30, 2025 at 1:25 amпин ап: https://pinupkz.life/
Jamesmig
March 30, 2025 at 1:34 amпин ап казино – пин ап зеркало
DwayneLah
March 30, 2025 at 7:55 amkamagra gel kopen kamagra kopen nederland Officiele Kamagra van Nederland
Jamesmig
March 30, 2025 at 8:09 amпин ап зеркало – пин ап
Jessedib
March 30, 2025 at 8:15 ampinup 2025: https://pinupkz.life/
DwayneLah
March 30, 2025 at 7:27 pmTadalafilEasyBuy.com Cialis 20mg price in USA cialis without a doctor prescription
Jamesmig
March 30, 2025 at 9:00 pmпин ап – пин ап казино